“I know what I’m supposed to do, but in the moment, I just can’t”

If you’ve ever said this, you’re not alone.

As a neurodivergent parent, you’ve probably read about self-regulation strategies, maybe even tried them; breathing exercises, mindfulness apps, grounding techniques. But what happens when none of those seem to work? What do you do when your nervous system is so overwhelmed that regulation feels impossible?

Let’s talk about it. Not from the lens of what you “should” be doing, but from the lived experience of what it actually feels like, and what your body and brain might be trying to tell you.

Why Self-Regulation Feels So Hard

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your internal emotional and physiological state. For many neurotypical people, this means pausing, taking deep breaths, walking away, or counting to ten.

But for neurodivergent parents, especially those with ADHD, autism, sensory sensitivities, or trauma histories, that pause button isn’t always available.

When you’re dysregulated, your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for problem-solving and rational thought, essentially goes offline. Your body flips into survival mode, and your choices become limited to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

You’re not “failing at coping.” You’re responding exactly as your nervous system was desiring to when it senses danger or overload. Only the danger might not be a tiger, it might be the 17th time your child has screamed today, or the way your body tightens at the sight of an overflowing sink.

Signs You’re Dysregulated (and Don’t Even Know It)

Some signs of dysregulation are obvious: meltdowns, panic attacks, snapping at your kids.

But many signs are subtle. You may not even realize your system is dysregulated because you’ve gotten used to functioning that way.

• You feel numb or checked out, even when you’re “fine.”
• You can’t make decisions, even small ones like what to eat.
• You’re incredibly tired, but your body is wired and can’t rest.
• You get stuck in hyperfocus or freeze mode and can’t move forward.
• Your body feels tense, but you’ve stopped noticing.

When self-regulation feels impossible, it’s often not because you’re not trying; it’s because your nervous system has reached capacity.

What Your Nervous System Might Be Trying to Say

When regulation tools don’t work, your nervous system might be giving you a different message:

• You’re doing too much.

Even “simple” tasks can feel like too much when you’re already overloaded. You may be operating with minimal bandwidth all the time.

• You’re not getting the kind of rest you need.

Not all rest is created equal. Scrolling on your phone or collapsing in front of a show might not actually be restoring your system.

• You need more co-regulation.

Human nervous systems are wired for connection. Trying to regulate on your own all the time is exhausting.

• You’re in an environment that’s constantly triggering you.

Sensory input, emotional labor, past trauma – it adds up. Some spaces are just not safe enough for your body to relax.

But I Know What to Do – I Just Don’t Do It

Many of us have internalized this idea that if we know what works, we should be able to do it.

But knowledge isn’t the same as capacity.

If your nervous system is running on fumes, it’s not going to reach for the 4-7-8 breath. It’s going to default to whatever helped you survive before; maybe shutting down, zoning out, yelling, or overworking. That’s not you being broken; that’s your body doing its best to protect you.

Shame doesn’t regulate. Compassion does.

So What Does Help? (That’s Not Another Tool to Fail At)

Instead of giving you a list of tools, let’s shift the question:

“What would make this feel safer right now?”

Try this reframing:

• Instead of: “I need to calm down.”

Try: “Can I give myself a soft landing?”

• Instead of: “I need to stop snapping at my kids.”

Try: “What’s making it feel so unsafe in my body right now?”

• Instead of: “I should be able to regulate better.”

Try: “What does my nervous system need to feel held or supported?”

Sometimes the answer is a nap, a snack, crying in the bathroom, texting a friend, or lying down on the floor for 10 minutes. Sometimes it’s leaving the dishes and putting on noise-canceling headphones.

These are not failures. These are acts of regulation.

The Role of Co-Regulation

One of the most misunderstood parts of self-regulation is the role of co-regulation.

You are not meant to do it alone.

As parents, we know our kids need connection to regulate – being held, heard, and attuned to. But we forget that we need that, too. Especially if we didn’t get consistent co-regulation growing up.

Ask yourself: Who helps you regulate?

That might be a partner, a therapist, a friend, or even a playlist or pet. Co-regulation isn’t always about talking; it’s about having someone or something that helps your body come back to safety.

It’s Okay to Build a Life That’s Less Overwhelming

Here’s a truth many people need permission to hear:

You don’t need to learn how to tolerate constant dysregulation.

You can build a life that feels safer to your nervous system. You can choose environments that support you, relationships that ground you, rhythms that restore you.

This doesn’t mean your life becomes easy or that your nervous system never gets activated again. But it means you’re not constantly bracing, pushing through, or forcing yourself to be “resilient.”

A Note to Fellow Neurodivergent Parents

If you’re reading this while feeling overstimulated, exhausted, and frustrated that nothing works…pause.

Breathe (if you can), blink slowly, stretch your arms.

You are not lazy, broken, or weak.

You are carrying more than most people can see. And you are doing it without the systems and support you were supposed to have.

Regulation doesn’t mean calm all the time. It means feeling safe enough to move through what’s happening. Without shame.